Hello Sir Whippy-Warpy-Warpers,
i would like to offer my services to you in a working capacity as i love to work hard and think i could turn help turn things around at Warp.
Your main man Stevie Buscuit will know me from back in the days when Warp used to release cutting edge audio and i am sure will welcome my input as your all new and shiny UK Product assistant as unlike most of the cocaine snorters you employ i actually know a little bit about the progression of the U.K. electronic music scene. As i am currently winding my own operation down for a little while i figure this job opportunity is the one for me and i can start on January the 3rd, 2007 and it's best to strike while the iron is still hot and what better way for me to finish up at V/Vm than by starting a new role at Warp in the new year.
As we already have an excellent working relationship, through your stocking of V/Vm releases at Warp Mart and excellent distirbution of my MP3's at Bleep i figure there is real positive springboard there for further advancement and a joining of forces to become the biggest and best there is.
I have a number of ideas to help you to back to the top and to help ensure that we hear more Boards of Canada music when there are gay scenes on T.V. (like on the recent hollyoaks show) and to keep making all Warp music the soundrack to every U.K. T.V. documentary about something a bit wrong.
Firstly i am assuming the position is based in the lovely city of Sheffield ? I notice when i type Warp in google it states you are a Sheffield Techno label and i think this is a wonderful thing. I am sure there have been many temptations to move your operation to London, but remaining in the North is testimony to the vision and dedication to remain independent from the London scene which i hear isn't all that good.
I have already actively started looking for a bedsit in Sheffield and can't wait for those fun staff nights we will have at the Owlerton Stadium on dogs night, or taking in some of the nightlife down there on the mean streets down in the red light district by the Grapes. It's going to be a lot of fun working with you all and we are sure gonna have a lot of laughs on our social nights out.
I won't bother sending a CV in because i am sure i already got the job as i will show below using your own requirements and adding in my own experience below. I heard that usually at Warp it kind of helps if you know someone. Stevie i know thinks of me like a brother, his own brother N>E>D infact so i am sure you can't wait to start working with me. I also remember fondly his only U.K. hit "dirty cash" and play it every single day of the year. Anyway here's some examples of why i got the job already and start on January 3rd.
- working with promo teams, agents and distributors
Over the last ten years i have worked with the biggest and best names out there including you and some of your artists already so this box is ticked based on my back catalogue work alone. There is nothing, nothing i like more than working with Promo Teams and agents. These are my people, they represent everything i am and i love the fact most of them know where to get good crack cocaine. Snorting in the toilets with them on a night out or before a power meeting is one of my biggest strengths and essential in the modern music industry.
- controlling budgets
Yeah, yeah as Abba once sang "money, money, money always sunny in the rich mans world". I started V/Vm on 300 pound notes and still have 300 pound notes so i can control a budget and make shit happen on a shoestring which where maximum profits (you are all about them) are concerned makes me the total winner in the last ten years on the music scene. I would love to get access to your accounts and work out a series of promotion campaigns. I can send you my detailed campaign for the next Autechre album and it doesn't even break the thirty six pound barrier. I am good at keeping costs to a minimum and getting maximum impact.
- overseeing advertising
In all the years of V/Vm i have never placed an advert but would now given your backing propose an advertising campaign based on your use of Warp music on T.V. shows. For example there is a big market for sexually confused teenagers and the recent use of Boards of Canada music to promote this confused feeling on Hollyoaks could be exploited on a nationwide billboard campaign. Overseeing sounds great though, i would love to oversee something. Does this mean i have a team of coke heads who will go to Designers Republic and get some of the latest in cutting edge adverts which then have to be placed in the coolest magazines ? Wow that sounds unreal. Count me in. I am your advertising king. Not only that i also think there's a place for a WARP style "been injured in an accident" advert campaign where those who have been injured and are seeking compensation are offered free Jimmy Edgar discs and given a half price discount on Jackson and Clarke albums based on them showing proof of their claim and/or injury.
- Organising & hiring equipment, travel planning
Oh I love a good trip so am happy to plan some travel for your artists. I believe there are some excellent one way deals to some places, so if there's someone you don't like i would be happy to book them a non return ticket to the middle of nowhere. I also have an excellent hiring record when it comes to equipment and know a team of people who could probably rob what you need thus cutting down on long term hiring costs and keeping profits up and up and up and up. Recently i planned a great day out and it went really well so thanks for asking the question.
- Sales and market analysis
I love sales, i am totally motivated to make sure everything i ever do sells real well and can be seen in every shop. Go into London now with Stevie Biscuit and i promise you will see V/Vm releases everywhere in prominent positions in all of the high street stores. Even in Harrods these days there is actually a V/Vm section close to the Mohammed Al fayed's english sasauge stand. Market analysis is also something i love, predicting trends before they happen so i can cash in by getting an artist to copy the latest style is my kind of heaven. I loved the way you identified for instance that the world needed a more edgey Jamiroquai and hey presto there he was, Jamie Liddell. This is why you guys are the best and keep making a lot of money. You are my heroes and i just can't wait to be working with you all, we are gonna have so much fun in the Steel City spending real pound notes on bad drugs.
- Distribution of Promotional materials.
This will be a pleasure. I propose to just drop all of your new releases in random places and give them to the coolest people out there to create a BUZZ. I think really you could be doing more to make the elderly aware of products. This is an area Warp have failed to target, the grey generation who love a little bit of melody and entertainment. I propose a distribution deal with SAGA and also Help The Aged to begin with and possibly a deal with the United Kingdom pensions people so maybe a couple of times a year when it's pension day a free Warp sampler is given to everyone collecting their money. I think some designers republic Warp slippers to go with their winter fuel payments would be a nice touch. As you can see i am full of exciting and advanced ideas for your marketing campaigns and can be the spark to start the fire down there in your Sheffield Office.
To wrap this up as i know you've probably been inundated with applications from friends and relations but i am that certain the job shall be mine that I have already booked a one way ticket to Sheffield station and will be there at 11pm on the 3rd of January to start work. One request i do have is that it might be a good idea to have my desk out of eyeshot of Stevie B's desk to begin with as the temptation to shit in his desk drawer or shit on one of those lucrative television contracts maybe too much to ignore, but that feeling i promise will fade, once i am brainwashed into believing the cult of Warp/EMI.
I am sure you can convert me and pray we will be together soon in Sheffield, surrounded by the hills and not too far away from the moors.
Many thanks for your time and i look forward to starting work with you soon. As for a salery i am prepared to start work on the simple sum of #6.66 per hour which will rise when the feeling that i want to empty my bowels in Steve Beckett's drawer has subsided.
All the very best of luck with your sales upto Christmas (i love the recent retrospective push and lookback at 2006 - it's nice that you look back and there's an option right there to buy once again everything you have released this year) Looking towards the next calender year i wish you all the very best at Warp for now and forever and ever and ever and ever.
Your new employee starting 3rd of January (will Steve meet me at the station??)
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