The 10 Best Albums According to Jonathan Dean

Saturday, 08 March 2008 17:11 Jonathan Dean Opinions and Editorials - Deep Thoughts
Sorry this is a little late, music fans, but I have finally gotten around to compiling my Top 10 Best Albums of 2007 list. These are 10 albums that kept me company this year, and rose to the top of the pile because of their excellence and originality.


For those of you who had your head under a rock the whole year, and didn't listen to any new music, fear not! I've got your back! Just print this out, go to your favorite discount megastore, and buy everything on this list! Seriously, you can't go wrong with anything here, and I've tried to include something from every possible genre, and for every taste. Without further ado, here is the list:

10 Marilyn Manson, "Eat Me, Drink Me"

The highly anticipated new album by "the Godfather of Goth" arrived on shelves this past year, and boy was it worth the wait! For those who aren't acquainted with the darker side of life, Marilyn Manson invented a genre called "gothic rock," which took its influence from bands like the Eurythmics and added a dark, Tim Burton-esque edge that won over a huge audience of people who felt like they never quite "fit in." The genre has ended up spawning a whole subculture, influencing many movements in fashion, hair, and at least a few school shootings! While this was not his best album, Manson is in fine form here, delivering a suite of songs that really display his deep emotions of pain, anger, sadness and indigestion, with his impressive vocal ability and great ear for edgy rock music. Many Christians and family values groups have expressed concern in the past over the content of Manson's albums and performances, but they just don't understand the deep pain and anguish and darkness experienced by intelligent artsy types like Marilyn Manson. Inside the frightening, larger-than-life exterior of rock star Marilyn Manson is just a scared, shivering, pimply, emaciated teenager who collects lunchboxes, compulsively masturbates to photos of David Bowie, and regularly gets his ass kicked by handsome, well-built, less socially awkward athletes destined for leadership positions in government and industry. Actually, when I put it that way, it makes me not like this anymore. Oh, well. Decide for yourself!

9 Celine Dion and Anne Geddes, "Miracle: A Celebration of New Life"

I must admit to loving it when two great artists come together and create something even better than the sum of its parts. Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. David Bowie and Bing Crosby. Santana and Rob Thomas. Michael Jordan and Marvin the Martian. Add to this list two titans of 21st century art: Celine Dion, the French-Canadian diva who sang the classic hit song "Titanic," and Anne Geddes, the bestselling photographer who does those really cute books full of little naked babies inside heads of cabbage and stuff! This album has tiny little fingers and supple skin! The CD smells like a newborn baby! It celebrates the joys of motherhood! Just buy it, stupid!

8 John Digweed, "Transitions: Volume 3"

The new cutting edge sound of "electronica" was what everyone was talking about this year. Electronic music contains no guitars, and sometimes not even any lyrics. Instead, all of the sounds are made from various computer software programs and synthesizers. Many times, this music is created for the purposes of dancing, so there is a very loud and prominent beat that you can really grab a pair of glow sticks and "rave" to. Many people think electronic music is boring and repetitive and has zero soul (and I must admit that I used to feel like this as well), but this Digweed guy really puts the "excitement" back in electronica. Or rather, he puts "excitement" into electronica where it wasn't before. Which I guess would make something like elecexcitementronica, or something like that. I actually don't think this Digweed guy even really makes the music. I think he actually just plays records or something. I don't know. I know this guy who works at the local Guitar Center who regularly does herbal ecstasy and he claims that this is good. To be honest, I haven't listened to it. When he first told me about it, I thought it had something to do with pot. Like, this guy "digs weed" so much that he changed his name to "Digweed." Actually, that might be true. I should look it up or something.

7 Obama Girl, "I Got a Crush on Obama"

This was definitely the year of YouTube stardom, but this girl really took it to the next level, beating out even Tay "Chocolate Rain" Zonday and those two talented actresses from "Two Girls, One Cup": writing a heartfelt and beautiful song professing her grown-up puppy love for Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, the most exciting and inspiring African-American presidential candidate since Bobby Kennedy! You have to admit he's sexy, right? And don't you think he would just make the best and cutest pwesident ever? Buy this CD and help end the war in Iraq! Wasn't Timbaland involved in this somehow? I should do better research.

6 Steve Vai, "Sound Theories"

If you're like me, you love a great guitarist. And Steve Vai is possibly the greatest guitarist making music today! He can shred with the best of 'em, and he can also play "Flight of the Bumblebee" with both his hands tied behind his back while immersed in a water tank. "Sound Theories" is his best album to date, showing off his incredible mastery of music, which apparently involves a phosphorescent musical staff filled with random notes being turned into a vapor and shoved into his quivering ear-hole! This album is like the musical essence of a soul patch! It's even better than Dream Theater! Don't think it's possible? Prepare to be wrong: dead wrong.

5 "The String Quartet Tribute to Tori Amos: Volume 2"

Even better than the first volume, this CD is the second volume chamber music tribute to the career of Tori Amos to end all second volume chamber music tributes to the career of Tori Amos! You really don't deserve to call yourself a music fan until you've heard cellos, violins and violas doing a cover version of Tori Amos' baby grand piano cover version of a totally unexpected pop/rock favorite that you totally would never expect her to cover! I used to think that chicks like Tori were just all about man-hating and weird obscure poetry about being raped by ghosts, and then I realized that she is really just a modern-day Joan Baez, but without the antiwar message and the guitar skills, and with lots of songs about being raped by ghosts. Why Can't Tori Read? Because she's too busy choosing which totally unexpected song she's going to do a cover of next!

4 "Let's Hear It For the Boy: Volume 7"

I know a lot of people have a problem with gay people, and think what they do is a sin, but personally, I think it's not our job to judge: that's God's job. Let Him send them to hell after they die. And besides, what's wrong with a couple of totally hot, muscular, clean-shaven athletic guys with male model good looks pretending that they love each other? It's actually sorta sweet, if you think about it. And here's another thing that some people might not know: gay people have totally great taste in things: affordable interior design, Oscar gowns and of course music! This CD proves it: it contains no less than 24 tracks of high-energy dance versions of pop favorites such as "Flashdance (What a Feeling)" (done here by T-Zone) and "She's a Bad Mama Jama" by the irrepressible The Corporation. Just putting this CD on makes me want to start doing crunches and sidebends while wearing goofy oversized sunglasses! What a fabulous way to go to hell!

3 "Hairspray: The Motion Picture Soundtrack"

Ever want to hear a duet between Christopher Walken and a cross-dressing John Travolta in a fat suit pretending to be an obese working-class Baltimore housewife? Neither did I, but this CD made me a believer! It's the soundtrack to the most original and heartwarming film of the year, filled with lots of "up with people" energy and positivity! The theme of this unique musical is: who cares if you're fat, poor or black in a society that cruelly punishes and excludes you? Just dance, you big fat homeless whiner! This was a close tie with High School Musical 2, which was just a bit too "political" to beat out Hairspray.

2 Jonas Brothers, "Jonas Brothers"

Can you say adorable? These three skinny man-children are actual brothers in real life, and they have set the world on fire with their brand of freshly scrubbed pop-rock about young love, peer pressure, and the simple pleasures of being a teenager at the center of a million-dollar show business empire! Just for the record: I think pedophilia is wrong, but when I see the Jonas Brothers in their tight black t-shirts and skinny jeans, showing off their willowy boy-muscles and their gleaming white smiles, I can't help but wish I was right in the middle of a tall-stacked Jonas-flavored sex sandwich! Actually, I guess I couldn't be right in the middle of three boys, so I'd probably have to be the Lucky Pierre in a very upbeat and family-friendly fuck train between Joe and Nick, with Kevin as the super-cute and clean-cut, wholesome caboose! Oh yeah, and their music totally gives me a really huge Christian boner as well!

1 Soulja Boy, ""

If 2007 will be remembered 100 years from now, it will be remembered as the year when America learned to CRANK DAT SUPAMAN DAT HOE!!! Soulja Boy is a true HipHop original, creating a track so original and sophisticated that it ruled the charts and spawned a whole dance craze. Watch me crank and watch me roll! Crank dat Superman! Crank dat Batman! Crank dat Aquaman! Crank dat X-Men! Crank dat SpongeBob! Eat dem cookies! SOULJA BOY TELLEM! You know, anyone can create a rich, complex backing track and spit intelligent, clever, socially-conscious rhymes over it. It takes a true artist to be able to create a whole new metaphor that is so powerful that it can be transformed into hundreds of copycat dance crazes that all sound exactly like the first one. Even though I've watched it done dozens of time on YouTube (and by a retarded kid that lives in my neighborhood and cranks dat home every time the short bus drops him off at the corner), I still haven't really learned to "crank dat" correctly (I keep tripping), but I'm working on it OK, SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! I'LL CRANK DAT IF I WANT TO!! THIS IS A DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY WHERE WE CAN FREELY CHOOSE TO CRANK DAT OR NOT CRANK DAT BASED ON OUR PERSONAL BELIEFS!!

Thanks for reading. And please: support the RIAA! Go out and buy some of these great releases, or buy them on iTunes, so that you can be sure that the artists were paid for their hard work. Here's hoping that 2008 will be another great year for music!

Last Updated on Sunday, 09 November 2008 09:10