Henry Rollins
Saturday 11/17/01, Madrid Theatre KC, MOIt seems like Henry gets looser, funnier and more energetic with every spoken word show I see, this being my 8th. And it never ceases to amaze me how natural it comes to him. It just flows. He never says 'um', he never gets lost, he rarely mis-speaks, he keeps the crowd into it and he's covered in sweat by the end. Pretty amazing when you consider it's just 1 guy on a stage with a mic in front of hundreds. This night's show was roughly 2 and 1/2 hours, beginning at 8 pm. I'd say it was 75% new stuff for me. A bit surprising considering the previous show was just this past March ...
Topics, not necessarily in order:
- Dissing House of Blues venues - The Madrid Theatre is an HoB enterprise, but not your typical one. It's newly remodeled and re-opened and pretty darn spiffy and comfy. My friends and I were in the balcony stage left and the view and sound were great. Rollins explained how most of House of Blues are done up identically like barns filled with "authentic" outsider art by old black guys. Corny and racist even. He was amazed they still keep asking him back 'cause he disses them so much ...
- Media coverage - the war on terrorism and how CNN and others show incomplete information thus turning news into propaganda. He cited the report of the people in the Middle East celebrating after 9/11, but the cameras didn't show the prayer vigils on the other side of the street. He returned to the war subject a few more times later, briefly, basically saying that now was the time to be tolerant of Muslims and not necessarily go bomb the fuck out of everyone ...
- Canada - Canadian journalists always try to get Rollins' goat with questions like "guns are bad, eh?" and "what do you think about our new Prime Minister?" He tries to quell the knee-jerk American reactions to such questions, though he gives the usual American response to the latter one - "I'm American ... we don't give a shit about your elections". His theory on Canada is that the US will take it over as soon as we need a little more room or run out of clean air and water. We've begun the process by proliferating Canada with our businesses - Starbucks, Home Depots, movie theaters, etc. - a slow Americanization that'll let us come right in and be right at home. Rollins explained that when abroad, it's best to tell people you're Canadian rather than American - "Canadian? Come on in! Have a meal! Fuck my wife! Stay a month!" He also explained how when he is abroad, he always acts very polite and asks people if they speak English before talking to them, rather than assuming they do like many Americans do. He explained how most Americans act like they have a 6 ft circle of American embassy around them at all times. While Rollins and the band were in line at the airport in Switzerland, the ticket woman knew if each customer spoke German or French just by looking at them. When it was Rollins turn, she immediately knew he was American and supposedly said "get on the fucking plane". Somewhere in here he talked about an intersection in Seattle where you can stand and see 3 Starbucks and a sign for another one coming soon ...
- Australia to Europe - a long story about this 20+ hour journey, which he has done many times. The first layover is in Bangkok, Thailand and the goal is to move as little as possible in that airport because it's always 90+ F. On the very packed 15 minute shuttle ride to the plane, Rollins got wedged in-between a woman and man and explained in great detail the sexual connotations of the positioning (getting "all up in" passengers). Next there's the gorgeous teutonic stewardesses of the German Luftswana airline and how they know every man wants them but never will. In Sweden he explained the rather difficult process of getting in the country, a sort of 20 questions as to why you are there. Next was the beautiful hotel clerk. She said 'hej', a Swedish greeting, and in Rollins sleep deprived haze he thought she was saying "heyyyyyyy" as though she was trying to pick him up. He responded, for the first time in his life, "heyyyyyy yourself", immediately realizing his error. He acted out how he wished you could swat words down out of the air as they're on the way to the other persons ears or maybe just run up to them quick and yell a bunch of gibberish so they wouldn't hear the stupid thing you said. Although he was starving, he stayed in his hotel room all night, too embarrassed to pass the clerk until after her shift was done. He read an article in a paper about a Canadian ("Canadians in the news - a rare thing indeed", paraphrased)) who somehow crushed his "wang" (penis) on a toilet seat in a Starbucks rest room. The article said Starbucks couldn't be reached for comment, probably because all of the executives were laughing too hard to hear the phones. So, with nothing else to do, Rollins tried to figure out just how this guy did that and acted out the process of smashing his penis with the toilet seat ...
- "The Death of Smoochie" - Rollins tried out for a part in this Ed Norton, Danny Devito produced/directed movie. His approach to movie parts is based on his minimum wage mindset: he's there to have fun and see if he can get away with it. This was a long story in which he detailed his passionate audition at the Warner Brothers office. He intentionally scared the other actors and secretary with his brazen manner and sheer volume and shook Devito's female assistant's hand to the point of crushing it. Knowing that he wouldn't get the part, he wanted to make sure Devito, who he said was really cool, never forgot who he was. The part was that of a punch drunk boxer who sees the actor who plays his favorite Barney-like character named Smoochie in a restaurant and freaks out. Rollins overacted the part for Devito and his assistant as Devito filmed it in the office - knocking everything on his desk over, nearly knocking over an A/V rack, chasing them around the office, picking the assistant up out of her chair and shaking her, etc. He completely winged it (nothing from the script) for more minutes than necessary, finishing completely out of breath and insisting upon a second take, but they'd had enough. When leaving, the other actors and secretary only heard the yelling and scuffling from the room so they're all petrified. Rollins asks the secretary if he can have the stapler off her desk, she says yes, and he pockets it. His agent calls him later to say they loved his audition and it came down to Rollins and one other person, but Rollins eventually didn't get the part. Somewhere within this story was Rollins talked about working with Keanu Reeves, trying to not bust up laughing while he was acting, and did a very accurate impression of him ...
- L.A. driving and Slayer - an old story re-visited. Henry explained the differences between East and West coast drivers, him being from Washington DC where green means go, fucking go now! To get your drivers licence there you had to do whatever the guy told you to do, including physically moving cars with your own car to park. He went through his ritual of putting Slayer's latest album, currently "God Hates Us All", in slot 3 of the 3 disc changer in his car and sonically attacking the driver ahead of him not paying attention after 5 full seconds of green light. He talked about how Slayer have always stuck to their guns, never relenting and never changing, unlike certain bands (Metallica, obviously) that think adding an orchestra is a good idea ...
-Stalkers - Rollins' 3 stalkers over the years. The first was "Psycho Sue" from Melbourne, Australia. She mailed her wedding dress, all of her school papers, then trash to the 2.13.61 offices. Then she showed up in LA at a Don Bajema book signing and threw a can of creamed corn at Rollins' head from the balcony, which he caught. The next was the crazy guy in the trench coat who hung out around the front door of 2.13.61. Rollins eventually had to punch him out, even after warning him and giving him a signed t-shirt. The latest is from just a few weeks ago. The guy that watches Rollins' house in LA while he is on tour told him he saw a woman in the house and he snuck out of the house thinking he had accidentally come in on her and Rollins. Rollins first question, being a typical male, was "was she hot?" and the answer was yes. After learning that, the next several days were sleepless as Rollins wasn't scared but instead eagerly awaited her to show up again ...
- Ramones for peace - the old bombing Isrealis and Palestinians with Ramones CDs story. The theory being that if both sides are Ramones fans, they'd be unwilling to fight each other ...
- High school wrestling - a detailed account of Rollins one and only wrestling experience at his all boys school. The coach pursued him for a long time, insisting he had the "eye of the tiger". Rollins finally gave in and made the public bus trek back to the hated school to tryout. He suited up and immediately had to wrestle without any instruction. The guy smothered him, Rollins putting his hand over his face to mimic the compromising position he was in under the other boy. He quit and went home ...
- Iron Maiden and Tunisia - before a Rollins Band festival gig opening for Iron Maiden, Rollins decided to trek down to Tunis, Tunisia in Africa. He haggled cab fare, bought a Coke and meal made of some unknown meat and was hit on by a guy in the streets. It was his own personal "Night in Tunisia". He then detailed Iron Maiden's fans and impersonated the Iron Maiden frontman doing interviews, insisting on how literate they are because they read books and write songs about them ...
All in all, another thoroughly entertaining show! We really enjoyed it and my face hurt for days from smiling and laughing so much. And to cap it all off, on the way home from the show, we happened to be in the right place at the right time (nowhere, Kansas, 2 to 2:30 am) to see a spectacular Leonid meteorite shower. It doesn't get much better than that ...