The Transporter

Jason Statham, who played Turkish in "Snatch" and Bacon in "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", also a former Olympic diver, tries and mostly succeeds in reinventing himself as an action hero in this poor, poor excuse for cinema. "The Transporter" is the story of a former US Special Forces soldier - with a British accent, natch! - who moves to France after getting out of the service and opens up shop as a courier, willing to move goods for anyone for the right price.

He has basic rules: the deal is the deal, no changes or augmentations; no names; and never open the package. When he defiles the last rule and finds a beautiful woman in the bag he is transporting, he takes mild pity on her and allows her to drink some liquid so she won't be entirely uncomfortable. And that's when all hell breaks loose and the film's plot falls to absolute schlock. That's right, folks: this is a BAD movie. I'm sure most of you could tell be watching the trailers, much like I could with "Pearl Harbor", but with Luc Besson's name on it and Statham attached, I figured "How bad could it be?" The answer is ridiculously bad. I've never laughed so much in an action film in my life. True, they're not known for their dialogue, but the lines here are not unlike a seventh-grader's short story in his English class journal.

The performances, with the exception of the French police investigator and aspects of Statham's, are horrible. Certain situations in the film (oh! what a convenient place for scuba gear!) and whole relationships are without substance or truth. The car chases are like John Frankenheimer's only organized by a hack. And Stanley Clarke's score sounds like it was made up of tracks he left on the cutting room floor from other movies he worked on. Plus, the rap and R&B numbers add nothing to the proceedings. In fact, the only thing that makes this movie stomachable is the fight scenes. I don't know what training Statham has had, but he pulls off some moves that would make Jackie Chan blush, and all with a certain menacing grimace he's never had a chance to show before. Unfortunately, this doesn't save the film from making my Top Three Worst Films ever, behind "Kid" starring C. Thomas Howell, and "Terminal Bliss" with Luke Perry's acting prowess. This film reeks, especially in the last five minutes.

Don't waste your money at the theater or on a rental, don't watch it on cable, don't support it at all. Not that you were planning on it. I'm just a sucker who's ten dollars poorer.